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Your best Jokes

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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby LynX » Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:15 pm

My jokes have tamed alot since I became a dad... But here's one that works for me, keeps it clean and a bit kid-like...

What's the biggest type of ant?

Spoiler: show
an Elephant



What's red, green and spins?

Spoiler: show
A frog in a blender


Where did Napoleon keep his Armies?

Spoiler: show
Up his sleevies


Where are the Andes?

Spoiler: show
At the bottom of your Armes
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby Bacon » Fri Dec 13, 2013 1:26 pm

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize...?

Because he was outstanding in his field...


sorry :)
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby GeneralZod2813 » Fri Dec 13, 2013 3:49 pm

rofl thats awful bacon lol
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby GeneralZod2813 » Fri Dec 20, 2013 12:41 pm

David Cameron and Nick Clegg are flying over UK when David Cameron says to Clegg "I could throw £10000 out the door here and make a few people happy"

Clegg responds "Well i could throw £15000 and make even more people happy". At this point the pilot states to the two "yeah well i could throw you two out and make 63.23 Million people very happy"


Badum Tsh!
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby GeneralZod2813 » Sun Jun 22, 2014 2:53 pm

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one" He Replies
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby Bacon » Sun Jun 22, 2014 6:42 pm

GeneralZod2813 wrote:A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one" He Replies


LOL - so are you a redditor GeneralZod? ;)

I like this one:

A young boy enters a barbers shop ...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied,

“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby GeneralZod2813 » Sun Jun 22, 2014 7:15 pm

redditor that i am, i am a serial lurker however i rarely post ^^


Loved the cleverness of your bacon ^^
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby Giggity » Mon Jun 23, 2014 7:07 am

Just thought I'd post this whilst the World Cup is still on;

What is the difference between a tea bag and the English football team?

A tea bag lasts longer in a cup!



What do you call an Englishman in a Quarter Final?

The Referee ;)
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby Bacon » Mon Jun 23, 2014 9:28 am

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby JayJay » Mon Jun 23, 2014 11:43 am

Bacon wrote:A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.


BEST. JOKE. EVER.
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby Bacon » Wed Jun 25, 2014 2:18 pm

Bit of a long one this but I like it :)


The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications (rather than German, which was the other possibility).
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" and "fosforous" up to 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments wil enkourage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Zen ze drem vil hav finali kum tru.
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby griffin20036 » Fri Jun 27, 2014 2:31 pm

On a topical one, I'm hoping we have a Uruguay vs Russia final in the world cup ....... purely for one headline ........ "Suarez bites Dickov!" Hehe

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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby mrdp » Thu Jul 03, 2014 9:06 pm

I think Kim and Kanye's baby North West will go straight to the top. And a bit to the left.
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby mrdp » Thu Jul 03, 2014 9:07 pm

Read through all of these and genuinely enjoyed them all. Some were so bad i laughed and there were some serious gems too!!! haha :D
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Re: Your best Jokes

Unread postby Bacon » Fri Jul 04, 2014 12:13 pm

Why can't Miss Piggy count to seventy?

Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat...
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